Captivating....

I've been working a kinda weird schedule and it has been totally opposite of Lucas and Megan. This has been painful but good for me, I think. I've really struggled with loneliness the past couple of weeks which is crazy considering I was so ready to live alone again. I honestly didn't know what to do with myself. So, I read a few books (including the final three in the Chronicles of Narnia series), took a few bike rides, spent some time on the treadmill and most importantly, reaquainted myself with quiet time. You'll notice I didn't watch any TV, which is sorta sad b/c the apartment is furnished with a huge flat screen over the fireplace! Anyway - I digress. It is sad to me how distant my relationship with my Father has become. I have a deep unhappiness in my soul that I want to blame on many different things, some of which may contribute but are definitely not the source. I seek out many of life's pleasures but ignore the One who can bring me infinite joy. So, I took a trip to Lifeway and picked up a couple of books I think can help. This is not something I usually share but I really struggle with my own self worth. I agonize daily over my purpose, my path, why God allows me to stay on this earth when so many who have so much more to offer are called home. What I've discovered about myself lately is that I really want to have one person in my life who considers me above all else (it's understood that God should always be the top priority). I know I've said I'll probably never get married but that is honestly because I don't believe there is a man out there who would consider himself lucky to be my husband. I have lived with myself for almost thirty years but I still don't love me, how can I expect anybody else to? That sounds unbelieveably pathetic and so full of self pity but it's absolutely the truth. That is why the books I bought are Captivating and the workbook for Do You Think I'm Beautiful. Can I just stop right here to say how good is our God...He knew what I needed even before I did and provided the way for me to fill that need. The night before I went to the bookstore, I wrote these words in my journal (the one I don't post on the internet ;) ), "I am not, nor have I ever been, anyone's number one. I know I'm loved by my family and friends, but no one has ever made me their top priority." I don't want that to be misunderstood...in no way do I expect that from my family or friends, that really speaks to the issue of my mate (or more accurately, my lack of one). So, I open Captivating and the in the first chapter it says....."To be desired, to be pursued by one who loves you, to be someone's priority? At some core place, maybe deep within, perhaps hidden or buried in her heart, every woman wants to be seen, wanted, and pursued. We want to be romanced." This not only speaks to the very thing I'm struggling with, it tells me it's okay and helps me understand why. It's not some selfish desire or defect within me, it's how I'm designed. It also opens my heart to the knowledge that this is exactly the level of love and devotion my God desires of ME. It's amazing to me that God loves each of us so much that He is anguished when we don't give Him the honor, glory, and time He so richly deserves. I know this post is long and makes it sound like I'm living in some deep dark depression, but really, I'm climbing out of one I didn't realize I was in. This is a perfect example of God using my weakness to draw me closer to Him.

"Create in me a pure heart, O God, and renew a steadfast spirit within me. Do not cast me from your presence or take your Holy Spirit from me. Restore to me the joy of your salvation and grant me a willing spirit, to sustain me." Psalm 51:10-12

"You make me beautiful. You make me stand in awe. You step inside my heart and I am amazed. I love to hear You say, who I am is quite enough. You make me worthy of love and beautiful." Beautiful by Bethany Dillon