I'm allright!

I had a kinda rough start to my week - I literally broke down on Sunday, cried like a baby! At first, I was really embarrassed by this display of emotion (especially since it occurred on the shoulder of a good friend) but now I'm so glad I did. I realized through several conversations how it was just a release of stress that I have let build for months without even the tiniest outlet. It was kinda scary for me as I don't routinely show my deepest emotions on the outside. I tend to be a stuff and ignore kinda girl (you know stuff it way down deep inside and ignore it). I just kept saying "I don't know what's wrong with me." You know what, nothing is wrong with me except I am a human being with a need for God. I am ashamed at how I lived the last year of my life. I went to church once....can you believe that??? I prayed but I didn't talk to God - I hope you can understand what I mean - and I rarely picked up my bible. I tried to half-ass my way through Beth Moore's 90 Days with the One and Only but never finished it. There were other, more grievous sins that really aren't appropriate for a public confession, as if what I've already said isn't shocking enough. I'm sure you get the point of how incredibly far I had fallen. Maybe I shouldn't share all of this here but I feel a strong need to acknowledge how even a "strong Christian" (yes, someone actually called me this recently and I had no idea I was viewed this way) can become lost in a sinners world. Obviously, all that is wrong cannot be fixed in one week, but just talking it out and recognizing what was going on has made all the difference. I could not have begun to mend without realizing what the root of the problem was. I must pause here to thank all those who gave support, encouragement, advice, unconditional love, and even that shoulder I literally cried on! So, Mom, Cathy, Lucas, Julie, Jenny, and Diane....words cannot express how I appreciate being able to come to you in a time of need and receive the blessing of your responses and concern.

I have fallen at the feet of my Father and He has reached out His Hand and pulled me up, with nothing but love. The inner peace I instantly felt at my repentance is too profound for words. I can only say that my soul smiles. I know I have a long road ahead of me but I am filled with joy at the journey.

I ask for continued prayer as my search for a church continues. I have visited 4 in the area and have yet to get that this is the place feeling. I have known since we attended our first service in Fredericksburg that God would speak to me when I entered the church I should call home for my time here. So far, there has been only one church that challenged me but there are some things going on there that didn't sit well with me. I'm not sure if that's God talking or satan, and I feel I may need to go once more, now that my heart is truly open to God's Will, and listen again.

On a lighter note, Lucas and I took a nighttime tour of National Mall in Washington, DC (that's it's own entity - not a part of Virginia ;) ). I like to call it Memorial Row as it is where most of the memorials are (Washington Monument, Lincoln Memorial, Jefferson Memorial and many others). It was so different, much more beautiful for the most part and much less busy! Amazing how most people are home at one o'clock in the morning on a weekday! Unfortunately, I don't have pictures because I didn't take my camera (dumb me) and the battery in Lucas' died! I think we'll have to go for round two and correct that problem!

Captivating....

I've been working a kinda weird schedule and it has been totally opposite of Lucas and Megan. This has been painful but good for me, I think. I've really struggled with loneliness the past couple of weeks which is crazy considering I was so ready to live alone again. I honestly didn't know what to do with myself. So, I read a few books (including the final three in the Chronicles of Narnia series), took a few bike rides, spent some time on the treadmill and most importantly, reaquainted myself with quiet time. You'll notice I didn't watch any TV, which is sorta sad b/c the apartment is furnished with a huge flat screen over the fireplace! Anyway - I digress. It is sad to me how distant my relationship with my Father has become. I have a deep unhappiness in my soul that I want to blame on many different things, some of which may contribute but are definitely not the source. I seek out many of life's pleasures but ignore the One who can bring me infinite joy. So, I took a trip to Lifeway and picked up a couple of books I think can help. This is not something I usually share but I really struggle with my own self worth. I agonize daily over my purpose, my path, why God allows me to stay on this earth when so many who have so much more to offer are called home. What I've discovered about myself lately is that I really want to have one person in my life who considers me above all else (it's understood that God should always be the top priority). I know I've said I'll probably never get married but that is honestly because I don't believe there is a man out there who would consider himself lucky to be my husband. I have lived with myself for almost thirty years but I still don't love me, how can I expect anybody else to? That sounds unbelieveably pathetic and so full of self pity but it's absolutely the truth. That is why the books I bought are Captivating and the workbook for Do You Think I'm Beautiful. Can I just stop right here to say how good is our God...He knew what I needed even before I did and provided the way for me to fill that need. The night before I went to the bookstore, I wrote these words in my journal (the one I don't post on the internet ;) ), "I am not, nor have I ever been, anyone's number one. I know I'm loved by my family and friends, but no one has ever made me their top priority." I don't want that to be misunderstood...in no way do I expect that from my family or friends, that really speaks to the issue of my mate (or more accurately, my lack of one). So, I open Captivating and the in the first chapter it says....."To be desired, to be pursued by one who loves you, to be someone's priority? At some core place, maybe deep within, perhaps hidden or buried in her heart, every woman wants to be seen, wanted, and pursued. We want to be romanced." This not only speaks to the very thing I'm struggling with, it tells me it's okay and helps me understand why. It's not some selfish desire or defect within me, it's how I'm designed. It also opens my heart to the knowledge that this is exactly the level of love and devotion my God desires of ME. It's amazing to me that God loves each of us so much that He is anguished when we don't give Him the honor, glory, and time He so richly deserves. I know this post is long and makes it sound like I'm living in some deep dark depression, but really, I'm climbing out of one I didn't realize I was in. This is a perfect example of God using my weakness to draw me closer to Him.

"Create in me a pure heart, O God, and renew a steadfast spirit within me. Do not cast me from your presence or take your Holy Spirit from me. Restore to me the joy of your salvation and grant me a willing spirit, to sustain me." Psalm 51:10-12

"You make me beautiful. You make me stand in awe. You step inside my heart and I am amazed. I love to hear You say, who I am is quite enough. You make me worthy of love and beautiful." Beautiful by Bethany Dillon

It's back to the real world soon!

I have been playing for so long, I may have forgotten how to work! I did actually "work" all last week but it was classroom/computer stuff, not patient care. It was essentially stress free and so I feel like I've been on vacation. Unfortunately, I have to start on the unit Thursday so playtime is coming to an end. I feel like I've made good use of the time I've had and I thought I'd share a little of that with you! First of all - I've spent most of my free time with Lucas and Megan - they are superb entertainment! We have gone biking (after a five hour buying expedition), hiking which included wading a nice little creek and wandering some woods, done lots of walking, and made my first visit to DC which included several monuments and museums as well as my first subway ride (known as the Metro). We have visited two area churches which sparked good debates about what we believe is appropriate for church as well as what purpose Sunday morning Worship should serve. We've spent lots of time just chatting - Megan and I are still getting to know each other. She is Lucas's roommate and we just met when we arrived here in VA. I think we will be great friends!!

This is obviously me in front of the Lincoln memorial! Pay no attention to the weirdo in the white shirt. He doesn't belong to us!!
Lucas and I with the Washington Monument in the background.
Megan and I chillin' at the creek.
Lucas and Megan at the National History Museum.

We have many more adventures planned, hopefully our days off will coincide so that we can actually experience them!!!

Quick update!

I really don't have anything fun to say (great way to capture everyone's attention, huh?). I've been working every day this week 8-4 for classroom orientation stuff. First of all - boring, this is the same stuff I hear at every hospital (most hospitals do it on one day). Second - I'm not a day person, I don't function well while the sun is out! Luckily, Lucas and Megan have been tortured right along with me so they provide some much needed entertainment! Third - it keeps storming here and I have been without electric for a total of 9 hours in the 6 days I've been here. I hope that's just a fluke and not the norm!

On a lighter note - I have officially passed all my tests so I guess they're gonna let me stay!

We have big plans for the next three months so I should have something new and exciting to report in the coming weeks.